EGO II - "Spiritual Awakening" or "Ego-death"
How often have we felt listlessness bordering on depression?
The question of the meaning of life often arises. The more spiritual and mindful you become, the more you like the idea of working on yourself – always improving something, always progressing. One "aha moment" follows another, and it almost becomes an addiction. This can quickly lead to a "spiritual ego" that begins to judge others who are not as "woke" as oneself.
I would describe myself as someone who enjoys grappling with my own problems. There are days each month when I notice a slump approaching. Since I'm very attentive and listen to how I feel, I'm prepared for it. In such moments, there's a small part of me that looks forward to the impending breakthrough or "release." Even the potential tears are welcome. Recently, I had another one of those moments where I didn't feel like working. At the same time, I wanted to curl up on the couch and reflect on the upcoming low. I was ready to go through this valley. I often experience such phases of highs and lows, with the former occurring more frequently.
So, this is one of my identifications: I am someone who likes to "work on myself." But are there really so many things I need to work through? Is there so much unpleasantness lurking within me?
The "aha moment" came very quietly, but with unmistakable clarity. It wasn't spectacular, as the ego might imagine. Before I felt the "low," I was doing well. For me, "well" means a feeling of peace and contentment. But suddenly there was that familiar feeling that not everything was alright. I didn't want to go to work, and my justification was: a slump is coming.
But now I understand that it wasn't a slump at all, but my ego. Dressed and veiled in the feeling of a "low." I pictured it this way: I'm swimming on the surface, content, but out of nowhere, a hand grabs me and tries to pull me down.
It was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. Suddenly, I realized: I had never had a "spiritual awakening" in my life – I had only ever experienced "ego deaths." Moments, that is, when the false identification with the ego fell away.
This realization is so significant because it has changed my perspective. Until then, I always thought that my striving to improve myself was the right path and had actually helped me. But in truth, I was trying to open a clenched fist by trying even harder, without understanding that I just needed to let go and relax.
To be honest, there's a certain comfortable familiarity in dealing with my problems. In the past, I often used such moments to avoid situations or people. "I can't today... because (insert excuse)." Now, for the first time, I understand that I somehow created these lows myself. Certain experiences from my past, which I had categorized as "bad," were used by the ego to confirm its identity and justify its existence. (Of course, it also uses "positive" experiences, but that's a topic for another blog post.)
You surely know the story of the hand and the hot stove to illustrate the learning effect in children. In my example, I've replaced the stove with a piece of glowing coal.
Imagine you picked up the coal and burned yourself. Your fingers hurt, you cry, and you're scared. The ego stores this moment as negative – as something that absolutely must be avoided. After a while, you no longer think about the situation and feel better. But in moments when everything is good, the ego loses significance. It threatens to disappear. So what does it do? It gives you the feeling that you can heal the wound, even though the body is already healing it by itself. However, since the ego needs problems to exist, it simply picks up the glowing coal again – just to say that it absolutely wants to prevent such a thing.
If you were to observe someone behaving this way, you would probably bind their hands or call someone so they couldn't hurt themselves further.
What I mean to say is: It may be that you had a difficult past and experienced indescribable, unjust, and painful things. But every time you justify your actions through your past and act from the ego, you are picking up that piece of coal again. We deceive ourselves if we say someone else caused us pain by putting the coal in our hand. I don't see it that way. How we view situations and the way we react to them is our decision. In many situations, we react unconsciously, but we still have control.
My advice: Just leave that piece of glowing coal alone. Even if you've repeatedly identified with it in the past – don't pick it up again. It might be difficult, as we derive a part of our "self" consciousness from it. But life will keep bringing you such situations until you leave the coal alone and stop hurting yourself.
The more false identifications fall away from you, the smarter and trickier the ego becomes. On the one hand, you become more observant; on the other hand, it takes on more and more faces that resemble you. It will even seemingly support your ambitions to get rid of it. But that, too, is just another false thought that leads to a dead end.
As long as you dissolve all resistance, you don't need to worry about the ego's machinations. The goal is to integrate the ego and love it.
Exercise – "Ego-Death":
With this method, we try to take the wind out of the ego's sails and accept the moment in the here and now.
Choose a topic where you feel inner resistance, e.g., "I don't like my job, I don't want to go, it's a waste of time." A possible physical perception could be a knot in the stomach, a throbbing feeling in the heart area, or pressure in the solar plexus. Write down what your topic is and how it manifests in your life and your body.
Now do what makes the ego sink in the sea of the present: dissolve the resistance by facing your fear. The idea that is so "frightening" that the ego does everything to avoid it – for example, through procrastination, drowning oneself in series or films, or numbing oneself with intoxicants or alcohol.
For example, imagine that you will spend the rest of your life with this job. Every day for the next 20, 30, 40, or 50 years. Observe how you and your body react. Be patient with yourself, but stay in the emotion and feel it as completely as possible. Over time, the resistance will dissolve.
You can apply this method to all topics.
You will quickly notice how this "part" of your little "self" is integrated and disappears over time. Because concepts like infinity and the "now" are not tangible for the ego. It cannot exist in this future because it is limited.
Leave a ♥ if you liked this post, and feel free to share your experiences.
Until next time! Love, G